Facing fear and finding meaning

Creating things comes naturally to me. Sharing them does not. Which is why I’ve challenged myself to start this blog. I knew I needed to just start “putting myself out there” with my art and writing.

Which, to me, is terrifying.

When you do anything in front of other people, whether it’s walking up to a blackboard to write an equation, to give a speech, or to post random thoughts on the internet, there is always the chance that you might receive negative feedback. Even downright mean and horrible feedback. Which is why it’s easy to be afraid.

But in the absence of either positive or negative, would I still continue to be creative? Of course. Even if it is only for the pure, personal joy of it.

I held myself back for a long time, because I thought that everything had to be perfect. Why? So I never had to face potential harsh judgement from others. I missed opportunities to make good work. I stayed boringly “safe”.

My son is an athlete, so, to use an oft-quoted sports analogy (that I liberally use on him…): “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

By not being willing do any terrible work, I prevented myself from the possibility of doing great work. 

And there is something so post-industrial about that sentiment. As in, if I can’t do great work (to the degree that it could be monetized), then the value of my contribution is nothing. In holding myself back from doing any work at all, I found it more and more difficult to get in touch with purpose and meaning.

Not that things were all “butterflies and rainbows” at previous times in human history, but I do think that we’ve lost some humanity as we’ve gained more industry and technology.

I suspect that people did “good enough” work while focusing on purpose, meaning, and relationships. Work and life were far more social activities than they are today. Technology has changed a lot of things for the better, like clean drinking water, antibiotics, efficient transportation, and so on. But, it’s also changed how we relate to one another and to the work that we do.

Recently, I read a study that said most of Americans find their sole purpose through the work they do, but barely half actually had that at their current job. I take this to mean what we’re told about work (and purpose/meaning) and what we actually get from work are two entirely different things.

It’s almost like we need to develop meaningful work that is mutually exclusive from paid employment, because they don’t always overlap. When they do overlap, it’s great, but when they don’t, it’s easy to feel adrift.

And even when work is meaningful, the workplace doesn’t always make for the easiest relationships. Good relationships require a level of vulnerability; in certain work environments, vulnerability is a liability.

I certainly had that experience in my career. I’ve had coworkers attempt to undermine me so that they could look better. Even if I loved my job, being vulnerable in that context would not have been ideal.

So naturally, being vulnerable to the entire internet is way better, right?

Sharing the things that bring meaning to my life is vulnerable. But I’ve come to realize the sharing piece is very important. Sure, there are people who might hate my content or creations, but they’re not my people.

My people are out there. Yours are too. And they aren’t the crappy troll commentors or cynical Debbie downers or people who would put you down in order to pump themselves up.

In fact, the unhelpful negativity of others is something I’m trying to have compassion for.

Because why on earth would you spout trash to a stranger on the internet? You wouldn’t. Unless life wasn’t going well for you.

In fact, if a healthy person saw something that they didn’t vibe with, they would be confident enough to shrug, move on, and say “eh, it’s not for me.”

The truth is, haters be hatin’ because they’re hurtin’.

For whatever reason, people get a weird dopamine hit when they spread the hurt around. It seems like, if we’re hurting, we want others to feel our pain…so we attempt to give it to them. No where is this more evident than in the salty snark of a comments section.

But when I use the lens of compassion, I’m inclined to see it for what it is. I can now look back , and realize how insecure my colleague must have felt to act unkindly towards me .

I stopped being so concerned about the haters when I realized this. I empathize with their pain. I have compassion for what might have caused it. But I can’t dwell on the fact that they’re going to be out there ready to sling mud.

If my purpose is to write and paint and create, and then to put it out there, then that’s it. It’s going to be received however it’s going to be received. Troll hate, call outs, cancel culture and all.

But once it’s out there, it can do its own thing. It can bounce off of lots of different viewpoints and perspectives. New ideas can form. New directions arise. Things I could not have seen from my perch in the studio can be reflected back to me more clearly.

Maybe this is a long-winded approach, but all of this to say, I think our meaning and purpose cannot be disentangled from interaction with our tribe. The more you share, the more you get back. The more willing you are to put yourself out there, the sharper your purpose and meaning come into focus.

I want to end here with a quote that popped into my head as I was writing this.

“The purpose in life is to discover your gift: the work of life is to develop it: and the meaning of life is to give your gift away.”

-David Viscott