The BITE in my life

Author’s Note: I originally wrote this piece for myself. Writing is a great way to understand the things that I’m thinking about. I’m not convinced it would have ever seen the light of day until I received an email about a recent tragedy. (Trigger warning, I will discuss abuse and suicide) A brilliant and dedicated doctor, Dr. Jacob Neufeld, took his life amid the fallout of an abusive work environment. Sadly, this is not an uncommon event. I have seen this in my own practice community. I am shocked and horrified by his treatment, which you can read about here. A hospital retaliated against him when he become a whistleblower about their dangerous practices. When I first wrote this post, I held it back because I thought it may be perceived as a bit extreme. But in light of reading about Dr. Neufeld, I decided to post it and let the reader determine what is truly extreme. The American medical system is amazing in so many ways, but there are still enormous problems. These problems directly impact us all.

“Because I want to help people.”

That is the basic answer to the question of why someone might want to become a healthcare professional. Some version of this question is on every application to every professional school, everywhere.

Which is great, because we need people who want to be of service, right?

I too, wanted to be of service. Besides the financial benefits, it was one of the reasons I stayed in a career despite being unhappy.

During this unhappy period, I was going to professional meetings, and social events. I saw so many of my colleagues who looked fine. Better than fine. They had great lives filled with lake houses and yachts and private school for their children. They smiled. They looked happy. They were on the brochure for why people sign up to be doctors.

I wondered what I wasn’t doing right. I sure felt like I was checking the boxes of the successful career person. Minus, of course, the bougie shit. I wondered if I would be happier if I could work harder and achieve more. These other people were doing it.

Did they know something I didn’t? Did they have some secret sauce that I didn’t know about? Why on earth wasn’t I happy at this job of helping people?

When I finally left, after burning out and getting sick, I had a lot of time to sit on the couch and avoid thinking about it. To pass the many hours of being ill and laid up, I dove headfirst into watching all of the documentaries. Well, not the ones where people eat fast food and get diabetes or the alien encounter ones, but most of the rest.

When I finished documentaries about the mafia, history, and unsolved crime, I looked for others. And since the only ones left were about fast food and aliens, I was forced to choose a documentary series called The Aftermath, with Leah Remini. Which is about a well known “church” that caters to the Hollywood elite, maybe you’ve heard of it? Some people call it a cult.

Well baby, I got sucked in.

For hours I learned about cult tactics. People told horrific stories about their daily lives and harrowing escapes.

As a scientist, I couldn’t help shouting at the TV “Can’t you see the RED FLAGS?” or “Why don’t you just LEAVE while you CAN!!”

But the more I watched, the more I realized just how insidious certain cults can be. And, even though I could clearly see that this “church” was a cult, I wondered what actually defines a cult.

A lot of things. Specific things. And mostly, things related to control.

My curiosity about cults had been piqued so much, that I began to research what they are all about.

Enter the BITE model.

A brilliant researcher and former cult member, Steven Hassan, came up with an outline of the types of tactics cults use to control people. “BITE” stands for Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotion which are the categories of control that cults use to manipulate their members.

In many cases, cult recruiting goes something like this. A person is vulnerable (they’re newly divorced, broke, dealing with health issues, looking for God) and the cult offers them a picture of the thing that they want. The cult draws people in by showering them with the love or attention they’ve been seeking.

For once they feel seen, heard, and understood. And, little by little, they give up control for the promise of whatever they’ve been seeking. By the time they realize that they are in the cult, they have no more contact with family or friends, no money, and no way out. Their life is 100% ruled by the cult.

All cults work the same way, but have a variety of flavors, so to speak. There are political cults. Religious cults. Commercial cults (think MLM’s).

Still, I couldn’t help but wonder why on earth people would keep chasing the cult ideals when there wasn’t any great payout.  Clearly, the cult benefits were not as advertised. But people kept working harder, putting in more hours, jumping through more hoops. They doubled down and gave more money, bought more books or courses, chanted louder or prayed harder.

At one point in my cult documentary immersion, I heard a statement so interesting that I had to stop the series and re-listen.

The question asked was:

“What’s the number one reason why people get into a cult?”

The person being interviewed didn’t even skip a beat.

“Because they want to help people.”

When I heard that, it startled me. There it was, the classic reason given for going to med school. The odd similarity left me up at night pondering all of those polo-wearing, yacht-owning, happy doctors at continuing education. Were we all just in some kind of cult?

Did I look at those guys thinking that there’s something wrong with me because I wasn’t happy?  Did I work harder, double down and take more courses, or jump through more hoops in my career for the possibility of becoming like the brochure doctors?

I certainly went through a lot of shit in training to get to that point. I gave up control of my time. I went into a lot of debt. My inability to cope with the crappy healthcare system was something I was made to feel guilty about.  All of these things are clearly listed as control tactics in the BITE model.

Even though I was happy not to think about it, I couldn’t avoid it any longer. A lot of aspects of the culture of medicine and training look a little culty. If not culty, surely high control and high demand. Like a weird church.

The burnout and unhappiness started to make sense.

Some people might think of this as an extreme point of view. And maybe it is. But the culture of medicine has also gotten extreme in the past decade. There is a lot of burnout, quiet quitting, and, quite awfully, death by suicide. I’ve seen these things in my own community.

I think the people who care the most, who want to help others the most, are often the most vulnerable in highly controlling systems. They, myself included, are often sensitive to the suffering of others and will do whatever they can to reduce that suffering. Even if we are simultaneously suffering at the hands of the very system we work in.

When I was finally able to get up off of the couch and slowly return to normal life, I had a realization. I can’t help anyone effectively if I’m not well. I can’t offer anything if I’m not whole. I can’t reduce suffering if I’m still suffering.

I had to go inward first, and begin helping myself before I could turn that outward.

There isn’t a cult in the world that will allow you to do that.

Knowing yourself, and loving yourself being yourself is really the answer to most of life’s questions. I think it’s the first step on the path to living a life you are meant to live.

Why? So you only choose to participate in things that allow you to be yourself. You won’t get sucked into anything that won’t let you live authentically. Like an MLM. Or a cult. Or even a job with a weirdly charismatic leader.

I was burnt out because I was looking for something outside of myself. I found the brochure with the yachts and the happy doctors and decided I should sign up for that and “helping people”.  The truth is, I had a limit to how much I could truly help others in that context.

Now I get to do it here, through my writing. In my own weirdo way. It took time and work and courage to decide to fully embrace my weird and publish it for mass consumption. 

Who knows? Maybe something in this crazy blog does help someone.

But, if for some reason it’s not for you, Netflix has some incredible documentaries on fast food and aliens.