The Usual Suspect

Author’s Note:

It’s difficult to think about happiness without thinking about the things that get in the way of happiness. I was inspired to finally publish this essay after seeing this YouTube video of a highly trained neurosurgeon who decided to step away from medicine.  It turns out that we had a lot in common.

After I left healthcare, I looked back and wondered why I stayed as long as I did. The truth was difficult to admit to myself. But, as my post-healthcare life unfolds, I continue to believe in spreading a healing vibe in the world. This is my personal realization about why I stayed in something I wasn’t enjoying, something that was literally making me sick.

————————

Perhaps I am dating myself here, but one of my favorite films is The Usual Suspects.

It’s special for me because it was the first time I was thrown completely off the trail of the antagonist. I love a good mystery, but with many films or books I find myself unraveling the plot in no time. This movie, for whatever reason, drew me in and had me puzzled.  I was left guessing until the end, shocked by the outcome.

In the film, they used a saying (and I’m paraphrasing here):

The biggest lie the devil ever told was that he does not exist.

This was one of those plot devices that tied the whole thing together as you watch the final montage with a renewed perspective.

And, for the movie, I absolutely loved it.

But as far as real life is concerned, I don’t think it’s accurate. The reality is, if there is a devil, or a force of evil at work in the world, he or it promulgated a far more damaging lie.

Maybe its bold to say so, but I happen to believe it’s behind every crappy thing faced by humanity. It is widespread, cross-cultural, and even finds its way into religious dogma. It is a lie that not only shapes the individual, but culture, and can affect such power that it leads into personal or collective self-destruction.

This lie is so pervasive; it has become fact that many of us believe about ourselves. And, anything we believe about ourselves, rightly or wrongly, we act out in the world.

So, what is this big lie that we believe? What untruth have we internalized so deeply that we take it as fact? What lie creates discord in our lives and in the greater culture? What internal mistruth keeps us from being able to create desperately needed changes in our lives?

I believe the insidious idea, the destructive force in the universe, is something that many of us grew up believing about ourselves:

That we, at a fundamental level, are unworthy in some way.

To put it another way:

That we are not good enough as we are.

That, in order to be worthy of _______ (love, attention, money, a better life, etc.) we must perform an acceptable version of ourselves. 

When I had this realization about my own relationship to myself, I could look back over time and see every point, every moment where it influenced the seismic shifts in the course of my life. I could also see how this myth plays out generally in culture.

As I pieced things together in my mind, a montage formed. Telltale signs of true motivation for action.

The usual suspects?

-Choosing an achievement-based profession/high status career instead one that was a true interest

-The “need” to live in a “good” school district or the “right” neighborhood to be considered a success

-The impulse to look a certain way (fashion, weight/body, etc.)

-Posting carefully curated images of “life” on social media

-Need for validation

-Strict or unquestioning adherence to an ideology, religion, or political affiliation

-Perfectionism

-Imposter syndrome

-The need for power or control

Each of these items, and many others unlisted, result in actions. From the lie comes the belief, from the belief comes a set of actions, from the actions flow consequences. Often those consequences re-enforce the internal belief of unworthiness.

In fact, unacknowledged, the lie-belief-action cycle will eventually lead to a moment of chaos large enough to get your attention. The culmination of many years avoiding the root cause. For me, the consequence of continually ignoring my true self in order to perform the socially acceptable self, was illness. But it can look like a lot of other things. Divorce. Job loss. Disillusionment.

The thing is, until we unravel what is driving our behavior, until we finally see the big picture, the root of our motivation, we may never be able to solve the mystery of our own lives. The myth of unworthiness keeps us looking outside of ourselves for the answer to our problem. It keeps us trying everything but dealing with the one thing we have the power to change.

The unworthiness myth keeps us locked in fight or flight, in competition, in survival. It keeps us afraid. It prevents change or innovation.

Ultimately, it curtails our ability to become the best version of ourselves.

When I consider the many ills of our world, I recognize there is no good answer to solving the complex and multifaceted roots to each of them. But…

I do often wonder what consequences would flow from a world in which a vast majority of individuals stopped believing the destructive myth. What would happen to so many problems if more people simply chose to become the best version of themselves instead of the version unworthiness tells them to be? What would happen if each of us could find our way back to an internal sense of worthiness?

I happen to think that a whole lot of good could come out of that. Because once you slay the dragon of unworthiness in your own mind, the barriers to loving yourself being yourself cease to exist. You believe in possibilities that could not exist in the face of unworthiness.

Things that were once mysteries congeal into a clear picture, and poof, just like that, the devil disappears.