The Usual Suspect, part 2
If you have grown up believing in an idea for a very long time, and suddenly realize that the idea is wrong, what do you do?
Really, what can you do?
After all, what we are told as children can have a lasting impact on how we see the world. Even now, I sometimes hear my mother’s voice resounding in my ears when I watch a movie she wouldn’t approve. I actually get a sensation in my body of panic. That’s probably because when I was a kid, I got yelled at for doing something similar.
That sensation, that pang of guilt, that sense that I shouldn’t be doing something all came from a software program that was created years ago in my brain. My brain cells made actual, physical connections that wired me to feel guilty about doing something that would not be approved. Over time, those connections were likely reinforced by the norms I grew up around (like the strict rules in Evangelical Christian school).
So now, that’s it. I’m hard wired to feel guilt every time I crack open a new “Rated R” movie on Netfilx.
Well, yes and no.
With any bit of programming can come reprogramming. And, it works for just about anything. From movie guilt to PTSD to unworthiness.
If you read the last essay, you know that I discovered that I had been experiencing the feeling of unworthiness for a long time. I could feel the feeling of being unworthy, or not good enough for a variety of reasons ranging from a small social faux pas to not being able to fit into a pair of jeans.
When I finally became aware of this, I realized that I had been making life choices in order to spare myself from the possibility of feeling unworthy. My career choice was definitely one-I wanted to feel like I had made the most of the sacrifices of my ancestors.
But, I also dipped out of social engagements so I wouldn’t feel unworthy when I talked to people who seemed like they were crushing it in life. I had a difficult time being creative for fear that I would feel unworthy when I produced something that I deemed sub-par. I avoided buying new clothes until I had to because the fitting room experience was filled with unworthiness vibes.
In order to come out of this conditioned unworthiness response, I came to learn that I would need to actually rewire the patterns in my brain. In order for that to work, I would need to do several things:
-Recognize emotions and the feelings in the body that are related to it.
-Interrupt the pattern
-Choose positive emotions and feelings to focus on
-Intentionally cultivate those feelings in my body.
-Continually reinforce positive feelings and emotions throughout the rest of my life
-Live life through a new pattern
Since I had spent years reinforcing the negative belief of unworthiness, I knew that the pathways in my brain dedicated to this idea were probably fairly strong. The brain is efficient after all.
But, nevertheless, I knew the brain also has the remarkable power to rewire itself if given new information. For example, if I had an incredibly positive event that made me feel worthy and then, from that day forward, I routinely had cues in my life that made me feel worthy…that would rewire the old negative pathways into new, positive ones.
The chances of an external event impactful and repetitive enough to do this is fairly slim.
But, what if I could set up experimental conditions that would give me the same end result? What if I could set up a scenario, inside of my own mind, where I simply felt worthy? Where I felt the sensation in my body of what it would feel like to be worthy? If I could bring up that thought and that emotion every day, couldn’t I start to rewire my brain?
Yes. I could.
And it turns out, that meditation instructors have been teaching this very concept for thousands of years.
This process of undoing decades of wiring and creating new mental pathways is possible. Meditation, for me, is an effective piece of this process. Firstly, a change in deeply held beliefs require focus, and meditation is a tactic used to hone the ability to focus. Second, with increasing ability to focus comes greater awareness of internal mental processes and their associated feelings. And, finally, retraining a strong focus on the desired outcome ultimately creates those new pathways in the brain.
For me, this has been a long process. I’ve had moments of setback, where I return to the old patterns. But, I no longer stay there for long because I recognize what’s going on. Meditation has given me greater ability to recognize my own thoughts (a process called metacognition) and to decide weather or not I want to endorse those thoughts.
It took me around 30 years of thinking one way before I decided to start thinking in this new way. The great news is, rewiring doesn’t take as long. Even though I still work on this process, my life has changed to reflect my growing internal sense of worthiness. In fact, just showing up every day to meditate is a part of cultivating this new belief- that I am worthy to give myself this time for self-care.
To me, this has been a huge piece of the puzzle on my path to discovering my own happiness. Honestly, throughout this learning process, I’ve realized that happiness is an integral part of me…but that I have to peel back layers of conditioning to reach it. I have to retrain my brain to focus on it. I have to feel it as a natural part of who I am.
